I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
If you ever get the opportunity, make fun of how small his dick is for me
Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
A hefty woman and I mean hefty shoved her number in my pocket at the gym without as much as a hello, winked and kept walking. Going to use your bed to defile her, don't want her to know where I live or have my neighbors see! Thanks, you're a pal!
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
Mmm vodka always tastes better when i know i have work at 8am
So I have now fucked both my roommates...This is why I can’t live with men.
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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