Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were just getting out tux's at men's warehouse he pulled both of the fitting room girls. I dont think he should be getting married
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
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