I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
In all fairness that 65 year old man looked 23 in club lighting so you can fuck right off
The thing about pooping in the woods during hunting season is you never know if someone's watching you.
We sat at the bar and made fun of everyone around us. I'm in love
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