if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..
What did u do?
turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Randomize
