i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
You would be my first round pick for a drinking team
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
Randomize
