omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I would like you to know, a bag of cheese cubes just attacked me at work.
Randomize
