need another drink. this is the easiest way
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
Sorry I missed your call. I was in the shower washing away my sins and sweat. Please tell me you want to get drunk as shit later.
Randomize
