I left the party when things started to get crazy... and when I say crazy I mean: there was puke on the carpet, Evan was passed out behind a plant, Mary was making out with her ex while her present bf was making out with Nancy. Not to mention that someone fisted the wall. Also - someone is sleeping on your lawn - they might be dead, I didn't check. Later.
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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