it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
He's hungover and at the neighbour's garage sale negotiating a price for a tuba.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
