Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
Btw. Being a stripper for a week without anyone knowing to pay off my school loan is no longer in my agenda.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.
Come share oat with me in your robe
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
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