Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Randomize