Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
i was born a porn star she said
we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
Is it possible to sluttify a hobbit costume? Cause if so, this will be my biggest accomplishment.
There was a point where you were singing "Friends in Low Places" to yourself while Juicy J was playing so I got worried.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
The whole time you were apparently enduring your pukescapades, I was singing very loudly in the car to Beyonce on my way to get a post-coitus Diet Coke.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
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