wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
I can't turn my head to the left, I'm pissing out of my ass, and my finger went through the toilet paper today... I need you.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
He wouldn't stop calling me so I sent him a text saying "I'm dead. Dead. Leave me alone." And he replied with "so can I see you then?"
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Randomize
