At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Lesson learned. Kayak oars are not golf clubs....check
I think I collapsed a disk in my spine when I drunkenly lifted that fat girl on my shoulders to chicken fight at the pool.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
The only people who will bring me pizza or tacos want a commitment and I'm hungry for food not their love.
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
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