I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
he was like captain planet, but less blue and more nakeed
I woke up this morning with my hand on his dick. That sneaky bastard.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
Randomize
