You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
You do realize that you're sleeping with a man who is part of a gay harem, right?
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
thank you whoever used my nalgene as a flask. pregamin in chem
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
