jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."
Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Carving a pumpkin in a gay bar at 2am. How did my life get to be this way.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
you seriously don't remember..? but then again, you were taking shots by yourself for like 30mins
Fuck it, I work hard. I deserve nice sex toys
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
Randomize
