I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Randomize
