she said she didn't want to sleep with me again because I wasnt a generous lover. I ignored her slight moustache, didnt i? i think thats pretty damn generous
is facebook stalking your hot therapist socially acceptable?
We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
He said that he made a girl squirt to the ceiling and I got curious
Would you be so kind as to inform your husband that my truck is forever cursed by mashed potatoes and it's his fault.
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
I was peer pressured into smoking weed by a bunch of LGBTQ teenagers
Randomize
