i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
He stopped his car in the middle of ongoing traffic to ask me to marry him. Then he got pulled over. Yeah I'd say the slutty Dallas Cowboys costume was a success.
Your hotness may or may not have landed him in jail.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
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