even my farts smell like vagina
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
It's definitively the wine. Every time I can drink and work I feel like I win at the game of life.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Thinking of someone think of me while masturbating while I masturbate. & that's how the over thinkers do it ✌️
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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