Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
Spent 30 minutes in the board meeting trying to figure out where the foul smell was coming from. Thought it was the guy's feet sitting next to me. Then i uncrossed my legs. Turns out it was my vagina. Thank goodness for travel size febreeeze.
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yeah. I asked if there was a finger in my ass at some point or if I had a weird dream. So far he hasn't responded
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
