btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up
They threw a beer at you on stage and then you stopped the karaoke and cussed everyone in the bar out for 2 minutes
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
I'm really starting to miss his dick. Like so much I'm actually tempted to try and work things out with him again.
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
He also turned out to be underage (the fucking liar) so we had to get drunk on cooking sherry
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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