Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
the night got glorious when you tried to do an upside down keg stand with a near empty key and dropped it on your face
Voted patient of the month again at the urgent care. I need to rethink my life choices.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I got carried out by security last night. AND the taxi had to drive up onto the sidewalk to get me i was that drunk.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
He offered to let her do a line of coke off his hard-on. She said she'd had that hard-on and it would be a bump, not a line. Everyone laughed. That's why he left.
So that answers the first question but not the second: how the fuck am I getting home?
My roommate definitely just walked in on me playing the piano naked.
By piano you mean.....
Like literally a piano.
Ohhhh that's kind of embarrassing.
If I died tonight, I'd be content knowing you were the last person to see my boobs.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
