I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I think dad's getting high again. His last google search was "awesome ping pong shit."
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
A bitchslap is in order.
Randomize
