the condom got lost in my hair
I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics
I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
She's not answering my calls
Well it sounds like you really fucked up
WHO HOLDS A GRUDGE OVER MEMES
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
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