I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.
I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
There is no amount of alcohol that can make me forget I had a Jimmy Kimmel sex dream
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
He said "just hugs" and ran away screaming.
So it may have been laced, sue me.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I might as well walk around wearing a sandwich board and accept the fact that I'm dying single.
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
