I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
drinking right out of the bottle and nobody bats an eye.
its good to be home.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Question. There's no better feeling than clean shaven balls. Do girls get that too?
Went home with a dude from UF last night. Just dripped chicken onto my phone and then licked it off. Going to pick up a bridesmaid dress. Mid 20s in a nutshell.
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
