You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
Our foot and a bit height difference is kinda fun, except she's so tiny that after we ate burritos it looked like she was pregnant. I had a confusing bonner.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
Well now you know not to take drugs from your friends. Take it from stangers. They're more reliable.
he’s basically the devil with a fuck boy hair cut and chlamydia
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
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