I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
To shove my foot up anybody ass who tries to start shit. I'm not takin shit this year. That and I wanna volunteer somewhere to help make a difference
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
Randomize
