I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
No stitches, just platelets and will power
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Boobs speak an international language.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
I just wanna inform you guys that the first pregnancy scare of 2016 is over...
Dude, she had a pound of gunpowder in her closet. I for sure got a fear boner.
Randomize
