still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.
For the caroling or the orgy?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Randomize
