he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Literally just one second of unclenched butt hole away from shitting my pants.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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