so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school
awkward
no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
well you can't waste a boner
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I hit him with a car. Nothing says I hate you more than backing into someone with a fucking car.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.
Vodka?
Forever.
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
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