dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
I pulled you and a keg around in a wagon for like five hours and apparently everyone else remembers it but us.
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
