Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.
Is it working?
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
