I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
Semen is not good for contacts.
Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I guess I've just seen a lot of penises since then
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Randomize
