I have no idea what her name is. I only remember putting my dick between her ass cheeks.
at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
I'm sure he likes you too... but your boyfriend is kind of a cockblock
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