I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
Yo, if someone calls you asking for John Stamos, just go with it.
hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
She asked the taxi driver to stop at the Texaco because she had to puke. She did then stumbled into the gas station and bought a 40.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
I can only get completely wasted and hungry two more times and then we're out of fritos.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
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