I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
can you wear a superman outfit if we ever have sex?
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?
Jail. That could go wrong.
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
She went to her drug test stoned.
And strangely enough, we all know she'll pass it.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Do you just want me to shit in a Jack-o-latern
Randomize