trying to fathom saturday night and the fact that Rainn Wilson now hates me. my brain hurts.
She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
What exactly do I say to a random stoner hookup to thank him for ending my dry spell? Is it awkward to just say "Thanks for that. It was well needed."
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
You go to class with the flu but don't go when it rains... Get your shit together
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
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