wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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