Got a toothbrush?
Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Next time, please cut me off before I'm at the point of pooping in the bathtub again
I can't give advice right now, I have a yeast infection.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Why the fuck are you playing with legos?
Why the fuck are you questioning me?
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
Took the ex out to the bar, then left with her and her best friend....and you said this was a bad thing.
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