i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
party gras won. party gras always wins.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
He looks like he'd be great Lego character.
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
That was the second worst thing to happen to my asshole.
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
Randomize
