is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
Well, he sent me "techno kitty adventure" about 10 minutes ago. So, he could be anywhere.
He rubs his penis on back when he think I'm sleeping
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
We were in a bathroom while 4 dudes compared dick piercings.
Buffalowww
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Randomize
