I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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