If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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