she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
A valiant attempt to obtain a backhoe was made
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but yours is no longer the biggest penis I've seen. It is however, still the prettiest.
tonight's safe word is brought to you by the phrase "Ahhhhhh"
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
