I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
I can't feel my tongue. And that means go. Green means go. And you know what Barney says. Green means go and woah means no. DRIIIIINKK
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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