Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
nah, its part of my diet to keep track of the servings of everything i put into my body
how many servings is brandon's dick?
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
In the mean time, I'll continue to kick ass at running and become a successful stripper while he might hook up with one average looking girl he met at a club. I so win.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I think my time would be better spent seducing the TA then trying to save this paper.
Randomize
