I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
dude I went to cubs game with my mustache, aviators, and a hooded sweatshirt. Do you think it was irony or fate that there were four 17 year old girls in front of us?
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
Hey when you wake up and read this, we really need to stop pullin our dicks out when we drink dude. I have all the pics, yall are assholes
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
You had a fry stuck to your face... Every five mins you would wake up, take a bite, put it back then fall asleep again...
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
I want to ride his face like a jet ski
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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