I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
i don't know how to normally transition into sexual activities without being drunk...
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
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